The kings heir.

[yogurtfresh]

this is a story i'm working on about a young member of the Malaphar dragoon guard named Rathalos Fyresong, and his position to guard the dead kings son, who is just turned fourteen, to his crowning.
He befreinds the new king, ready to resive the crowning at the destination of the nation of Spireus, and gets caught up in the politics of a war started between Nirtis (led by Prince Getris the Macabre) and Falkor (ruled by Queen Delphie), two other nations on the sides of Spirus, threatening the kings saftey on his journy to the crowning.
As More and more nations are forced to choose sides, Rathalos' judgments are effected by that of the new King Hereke. and as Herekes chosen bride takes kindly towards Rathalos, his whole personal world breaks as the kings stops their freindship and expells him from his personal guard and army and cast into the nation of Gesesch, who seem neutral in the war, halfway along the journey.
he joins a secret orginisation in order to gain some money, after being reduced to a begger, and his first job, Assasinate King Hereke.

that is a reif summary of the first few chapters of what i'm planning to write, it will continue with the kings attempted assasination, Rathalos' jailing, escape with the help of a former freind in the guard, who describes Herekes as going power hungry, and the kings older brother, of whom was taken by the kings evil advisor who is behind the whole war.
the story will have action, violance, sex, magic, politics and dragons.

what do you think.

[Black Seraphim Zero]

Lol, se)(.
That's hilarious, but sounds good.

[yogurtfresh]

yeah i'm planning on getting the first chapter up saturday.

edit: STORIE TIME!!!

chapter one: Assassins and secrets.

Chief Advisor Eldwin banged his fist on the table.
'This will NOT do!' he shouted
'You will not speak to me like that in my own courtroom!' king Darius shouted back
someone in the room coughed, others just fumbled. Eldwin lened over the map in disgust.
'These nations our are freinds! Our allies! we cannot just invade them!'
'You are not the head the armed forces, I am!
'But you cannot! you allready have troops about to lay siege to Falkor, it just doesn't make sense!' Eldwin proclaimed.'It's illegal!'
'Then i will make it legal!'
but you can't just...'
'YOU ARE NOT THE RULER OF THIS NATION I AM!' Darius literally screamed.
'You don't actually make the laws, you only give them royal ascent!' shouted someone from the stand.
' I KEEP TELLING YOU, I... ' the King was cut shout as he gagged and crimson shot acros the table cutting a line across Spireus and Falkor.
The king fell onto the table, an the mithril blade was pulled out of his back. everyone fell ilent as the masked assassin wiped his blade clean and withdrew it back to his sleeve. he pulled back his hood to reveal the red tears on the expressionless mask. everyone understood and the assassin, as his eveloped himself in his cloak dissapeared, leaving but a small card. Eldwin picked it up, carefully and within three seconds it burst into purple flames.
The kings advisor Meritis, also the tutor of the kings youngest son, looked on from the stands.
'Perfect timing.' he said contently, and raised to proclaim silence.

We are always watching


Rathalos lay in the shade of his favorate tree, the nation of Malaphar had lots of trees. the entire people were humans devolved from the fabled harpies when there home of the (unactive) volcano Mt. Malaphar, of which the nations name comes from, was filled by the great decade of rains during the coming of leviathan. since the the have lived above and below the waters surface in house carved out of trees that grow out of the eroding cracks at the volcanos edge. it was the largest volcano on the known planet, mile in length, they traveled to the markets by walking on the giant lilypads that grow all the wa from the bottom the volcano that has been home to leviathen ever since. and since then the Deltora river has ever flowed from this massive pool and of the edge cascading as the deltora waterfall. the Malaphans got to and from there nations upon skimmers, a revolved species of what the harpies used as beasts of burden, giang lizars capable of holding twenty men at a time.
as Rathalo gazed at the clouds, he picked a blade of new grass from the fields on the edge of the fields near the waterfall and begane to chew it. he always dreamed of being a dragoon and fighting to protect in his kings guard. but he was just a stableboy, tending to the skimmers and cleaning there pools. boy did they produce alot of mess!
'Yo Rathalos!' he heard a voice shout.
'sel?' he asked
'yo you ain't never gonna belive this'
'Whats up?'
'come with me i show an' you whats up!'

they ran across the lillys, supported by stems as thick as a turgnesses shell.
'this better be imporatant, i've already got done in by Barbradey after that firework stunt of yours' Rthalos said
'oh yeah it's imporatant' useually when sel said this he'd have a huge grin on his face, but that grin was grim today.
'Dead i tell you, i'm not joking.'
'how did he die?'
'yeah, how?'
'he died in his sleep apperently, they think it was his eldest son, who smothered him in his sleep to get the crown!' said the crier.
'it's sounds like it but i diddn't think he was the murdering type, i always thought he was a good boy...'
'but it must've been. theres no other reason!'
'yeah!'
'and so since the boy has been imprisoned the youngest, Bect is having his crowining In Spireus in two months! there hiring for his personal guard now!'

'personal guard!' shouted Rathalos.
'Urm, dead king more like!' shouted Sel
'I'm singing up!'
'well if you are so am i!' shouted Sel to Rathalos, who was already ahead of him in rejoice, crownings happen only once in a lifetime in Malaphar, assssination rates were low in this peaceful nation, dragoon only had a small ammoun of time to serve but got paid a fortune to do their job.
'hello, what can i do for you?'
'yes Ralthalos Fyresong sir, here to sign up for Dragoon services sir' Said Rathalos out of breath.
'yeah, um this is a coffie shop sir, that lines over there, now will you buy somthing or not, theres a line behind you youknow.'

'Hello'
'Hey,' replied the out-of-breath Rathalos 'Rathaos Fyresong, reporting for duty sir'
The requeter sized him up
'Okey looks like your good to go and so does you freind, whats his name?'
'Sel Leinholmes sir!' Sel said enthuesiastically (spelling )
'sure thing, training is tomorrow, get packed, get fed, get loved 'cus were meeting at the foot af the volcano at dawn.'
Sel spat out his coffie
'sure thing sir' He said.
Rathalos ran home to tell his family and pack, Barbradey was on the war path.
'Fyresong where've you been, your supposed to be filling the food dispensers!' he shouted
rathalos just tipped the jar of pellets over Barbradys head in an 'i quit' fasion and continued to run.

more on that storie later.

[Black Seraphim Zero]

Do you accept criticism?

There are too many words that need to be capitalized, too many periods and commas missed, and basically, the punctuation is less than perfect.

Enthusiastically is spelt like that.

"Rathalos lay in the shade of his favorate tree, the nation of Malaphar had lots of trees. the entire people were humans devolved from the fabled harpies when there home of the (unactive) volcano Mt. Malaphar, of which the nations name comes from, was filled by the great decade of rains during the coming of leviathan."

-It's inactive not unactive.

-"Rathalos lay in the shade of his favourite tree. The nation of Malaphar had lots of trees."

-The whole thing doesn't rly make sense.

-Important is spelt like that.

-Spelling could be greatly improved.

Storyline is OK, but overall grammar and spelling is, again, less than perfect.

[yogurtfresh]

yeah i wrote it when i was half asleep, after two hours of sleep with my girlfreind pestering me.

Edit: chapter 2.
Chapter two (part a): mistrust

mertis stood on the balconey, looking over the kingdom.
'what do you want this time?
the masked messenger stood there, taunting him with silence and waved his cloak dissapearing. Mertis hated these people, how was he supposed to work with them if he couldn't even speak to them. they never even hung around for more then two minutes!
he picked up they card

your payment was acceptable

more flames. they would have done well in theatre, but they chose assasination. everyone knew about them, in the parlement anyway. he stroked hid stubble. "deception is the key to order" he was once told when he joined. if the peasants kew there was a guild of assasins running aroud there would be revolution after revolution!
at least he could carry on with his plan now.

'At ease all!' shouted the leiutenant ' you must be the most spineless, chinless and clueless bunch of idiots i must've ever met! you privet whats your name?'
'Rathalos sir!' Rathalos shouted back.
'and whats your goal as a dragoon?' he asked, very patronisingly
'uhm, to do what you tell me to?
'why dear god you must be THE most fine soldier i've ever seen' you must be some kind o genius.'
sel sniggered, if anything rathalos was no genius.
'is there somthing you find funny privete? everyone back to there tents i'm teaching 'joe king' here about disipline.

later in the tents...

sel lay on the beds stiff as a board
'wow you never know how big the volcanoo is unless you have to run 'round it five times'
'that what you were doing? you're were gone two weeks! you missed rifle training.' said one of his roomies
'why couldent we be set in scout squad, it'd be easier to fly round this place on a dragon then run it. here anything from cedric?'
'he broke every bone in the lower half of his body, and a few in the upper.' said rathalos putting rubbing alchahol on his wounds.
'dear god how?'
'his dragon attacked him.' rathalos said, casually.
an alarm horn sounded
'RUNNER OF THE SOUTH-EAST!'
they assembled outside their camp as the sergent went up to the tired man, followed by the leiutenant, who asked
'what brings you here?'
the man looked up, he was cut and burnt he gulped before replying
'War.'

two part b coming soon.

soon enough! welcome part b of mistrust.

the fyreflies green green light reflectedof the clear water surface, rippleing as the majority of it cascaded out of the sone dragons mouth. it was prince getris' favorate fountin. it was quite a gothic one, and the coice of coulering for his armys uniform and his own crown and robes had nicknamed him 'The Macabre'. he walked back into his cloisters, when suddenly a peasant burst hrough the doors to the main wall.
'how did you get past my guards?' the prince demanded
'sire, theres no time to exlaine, were under attack' he shouted
'again? the seige on Falkor ended only yesterday! whos attacking us?'
'Harlaquins!' a guard shouted
the prince ran into the main hall were several dead soldiers lay...dead.
he heard an echoing scream, scratchy,feminin and metalic. he looked back and saw the top half peasant who warned him roll towards him.the brightly coulered soldier wore a silver mask, a laughing quite creepy mask. the prince withdrew his hand from his flowing black robe and shot a purpale mist out of his hand. it enveloped the masked jester and as he lay chocking and udgulating on the ground more attacked.
he withdrew his rapier, ready to fight when a horn blew, the harlequins, with one leap, flew through the roof and out into the shadows.
'queen delphie' he muttered.

'war!' said the ragged man.
he fell to his knees and passed out. there was a splash, a skimmer had landed in the landing pool. a figure stepped out.
'advisor mertis!' said the sergent. 'what brings you here?'
'the crowning will have to take place sooner, you'll have to set of tomorrow!' he said
'tommorow?' asked the leiutenant' we havent even covered basic defene yet!''
'you'll have to bring an extra strider for you training kit then, and for this king to be.'
the fourteen year old stepped out of the skimmer.
'is this the dragoon?' said the boy 'not as impressive as i thought they would be'
he said it with such harshness yet rathalos knew he was just playing.
'my freinds i present prince Hereke!'

[yogurtfresh]

chapter 3: kiddnapped

'Rathalos!' the leiutenant shouted. and as quick as a flash he appeared.' i have a job for you, go and fetch the prince, e's been in his tent too long and were worried. this kid will be our ruler soon.'
'm-me sir?' said rathalos, it was the first time he had do do somthing privaliged, and 'fetching' the soon-to-be king was (well he thought) a tall order. 'okey' rathalos said instantly, accpting the fact he was atleas of some use to this brigade.

he ran to the princes tent, but turned back. amidst the frantic people getting ready to set off, a cloaked figure stood, his mask looking directly at him. this dark figure seemed invisible to the rest of the people. suddenly he vanished into thinair without moving, like some unholy vision. he turned back to head owards the tent feelng heavy, like a new piece of his puzzle was taken out of his mind, and stuck in his stomach.

'you know what you have to do' said mertis.
'yes' said the prince.
rathalos came through the tent folds
'are you okey, we have to go now.'
'yes we are' said mertis, as he escorted the prnce out of the tent with his usual smirky yet grim smile. there was somthing evil about him.
rathalos went out the tent after observing some of the items on the table in the tent. a pocket watch, an ink well and... hello? rathalos picked up the glowing stone on the table. the glyph on it glowed an intense blue, a swirl of beep blue hypnotising him. he placed his hands around it, feeling bliss with it.
'ahh!' he shouted and dropped the stone on the table, the sigilic glyph on the stone had burnt itself onto his hand.
'oh' Rathalos was los for words, and ran out the tent, as he got outside the cloaked figure he saw earlier pushed past him, forcing a card into his hands. the figure went behind the tent.
'hey wait come back here!' he shouted after him, he went around the tent to confront the creep. nothing, he wasn't there. he looked at the card, and then it bunrt bright purpal and dissapeared. he looked at his hand again, the burns glowing had stopped. the horn blew, it was time to resive his full membership.

'in this chest is your armour. your armour is a symbol of your membership to the dragoon. in this chest is your weapon. it will guard you, and you will guard IT with your life.' announced the leutenant.
rathalos opened the chest, the dark purple armour, trimmed with gold and decorated with many ornaments representing dragons.
'wow.' stifled Rathalos as he pulled up a long spear, more decorative and sertainly more durable then the ones he used during training. along with this came a muscete, somthing sel had missed his trainign for. honestly punishments these days definatly interfere with the lessons themselfs, sel thought slinging it over his back.

more marching, being a dragoon hurt your feet. nine days now as it? constant maching and nothing to do. he was put right next to the princes elebortly shaded cart.he managed to hide his glowing burn by coovering it with the gaunlets of his armor, but still the glow seemed to want to get out.
'wait, we make camp here, the prince is naucious.' announced Mertis.
'are you sure thats a good idea, this is troll land.' said a random dragoon
'do you have the stone?' Merti whispered to the prince. ' we need it to give us safe passage through this land, even though the magiks we give them are powerful, trolls wont be able to use them.'
'well?' shouted the random dragoon
'quiet fool we shall be fine.'

nightime in troll land. dark, cold and scary. scorpinoks everywere. Rathalos sat by the fire, the walls of the vally closing in the darkness, this place gave him the creeps.
noone else was around. Rathalos sighed as he runned his blistered feet. suddenly he was swept of his feet and high into the air by a rather boney figure. he noticed now with the moonlight revealed many other dragoon being taked by these tusked goons swinging from root and vines arouned the edges of the dry valley. he hit his head on somthing hard, uncoveniantly in his time of silent peril when he finally realised he, and his fellow dragoons had beeed gagegd and set around a totem. blackness.

when he came to his vision was blurry. he looked around, sel was there gagged and looking wide eyed, tied to the same totem as him. Rathalos looked else where and saw a troll rip of the gaunletss of another dragoon and look at his hands. the troll looked dissatified. he said somthing tollese to another of his hunch-backed freinds then slit the throught of the poor young man and throw him on the bonfire. the beast moved on to rathalos. his gaunlets were also ripped off. he was paniking. the mark on his hand glowed brightly. the troll realed in awe, then called to a couple of guards who unbound rathalos, ungagged him, and threw him into one of the tents. rathalso managed to catch sel and many other dragoon being locked in a makeshift cage with some women wearing blue war paint. at least they were safe.

he landed in the tent and spat out the dust in his mouth.
'greeting, cleanskin.' said a croaky and rather hoarse voice. a troll emerged carrying a staff and wearing many charms.
'let me help you.'